You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
