i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
