Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
