I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
