my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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