It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
