You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
