There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
