I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
