Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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