There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
