her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
