he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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