Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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