im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
