hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
