ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
