I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
