shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
