Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
