Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
