Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
