i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Boobs speak an international language.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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