he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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