i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
