wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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