a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Jerry, you need to find god
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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