You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
