Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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