Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I touched a dick in church today
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize