Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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