Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
