Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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