Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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