My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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