Do you still have your period?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
