I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm too high and old for this...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
