I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
