I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
