I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
