they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
