I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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