well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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