My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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