By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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