I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize