Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
