i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
