just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
