just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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