Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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