I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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