genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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