I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
