i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
