I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize