he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
