I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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